The thing about diets is, well, I don’t. At least, I didn’t. I’ve been about 30 pounds overweight for the past six years, something that bothered me more in high school than it does now. You’d think a diet is something I should be on.
But I’ve tried dieting, I’ve tried counting calories and carbs, I’ve tried The South Beach Diet, I’ve tried a myriad of blog-inspired diets, each with their own catchy little name. And I’ve failed each of them.
The failure is due more to my general approach to life than to the diet’s failings: I tend to try things out like a person at a buffet, try a little here and there, but never commit your entire plate to one item. I suppose you could say I have commitment issues, but personally, I just didn’t care enough to stick with any one thing for more than a few weeks. If you dug through my life you’d find mountains of proof of this: My dating life, for one. Three week relationships, testing the waters, getting close, then single again. My exercise regime is another prime example: I’d commit to walking 30 minutes every day, but that would only last about a month before I’d give up and move on to 15 minutes of cardio in the mornings instead.
This is something I’ve been working to change: I’ve started keeping a journal to keep track of my moods and daily activities in an effort to improve my memory. I’ve started writing again, working on old stories I’d left unfinished in the dusty corners of my imagination. I signed up for a 60 mile cancer walk in September. (I guess this means I’ll have to go back to 30 minute daily walks) I stopped drinking soda and energy drinks. Part of this decision is to improve my abysmal health, lose a few pounds, etc. The other part is because I’ve noticed that whenever I drink soda or energy drinks my knees and hips start to hurt terribly and my tics get much worse. So far it’s been about a week since I stopped drinking soda and energy drinks and I haven’t experienced the awful pains again. I’ve only noticed a slight decrease in my tics, but hey, it’s better than nothing.
After several days without my usual dangerous amounts of caffeine and sugar, a strange madness took hold of me and I decided to start the diet known as The Whole 30 (http://whole30.com/) a diet which both my parents have done and several other family members have done as well. The Whole 30 is a diet that involves
stealing your happiness cutting out foods that might be upsetting your system, including sugar, grains, legumes, alcohol, dairy, and sulfites for 30 days. Then you add each of them back into your diet one at a time to see if you have any ill effects from them. As I had already given up sugar and large amounts of caffeine I figured why not go the extra mile and make myself extra miserable by depriving myself of cheese, bread, and all the other god-given gifts to mankind.
I’m on day 2 and I have not noticed any changes at all (this is normal, I’m just impatient) The hardest was the very first day because I normally eat cold cereal for breakfast and when I got up I discovered that
some demon my mother had bought some fruit-flavored marshmallow-blessed confection and left it in the cereal cupboard, obviously just to tempt me. After several miserable hours of doing nothing but sitting in a chair and staring at the box of sugary goodness, I realized I was being pathetic. I was not going to go down the path of Frog and Toad and declare to my dieting friend “You can keep your willpower! I’m going home to bake a cake.” That would put me right back at square one and undo all the work I had done so far. Instead of giving in to temptation, I made myself a plate of breakfast sausages (without syrup, I might add) and then munched on a few slices of red bell pepper.
For dinner I had wonderful tomato and beef stew, to which I added liberal amounts of
cocaine curry powder to soothe my frazzled nerves. I went to bed and dreamed of garlic bread and pizza and awoke refreshed and ready for day 2 of suffering.
And now I am sitting here writing this, realizing that day 2 was not a day of suffering. I had wonderful breakfast of scrambled eggs and ham, and a delicious lunch of bell pepper and cucumber slices and a hot cup of yerbe mate tea. My stomach is full, I don’t feel guilty about any of the food choices I made today and while I still want a snickers bar very much, I’m not going to have one. Maybe I’ll go for a walk instead.